Relationship & Love Series: Breakfast In Bed
I think that it is essential that I let you know that this isn’t an attempt to smear your name in the mud, neither is it a way to apportion blames, and I hope that if you do stumble on this, you would still think of me as a gorgeous smart blondie.
I believe that you would need a little background to not be biased in your feelings about the story I’m about to share with you and I will hope that you can hold on to the saying that ‘it takes two to tango’.
It was the third week of January 2020 and I had just uprooted my whole life to come to Lagos. In my defence, there was nothing left for me in Ile-Ife as I had finished school and the then love of my life left me because ‘he couldn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved’.
Now that I think about it, there isn’t a right way to tell this and I’m afraid I would miss out so many things because it hurts to think of what could have been and wasn’t.
Ok, here it goes,
So for anonymity sake, we will call him Black. I met Black at work, he was the head of my team and we kind of hit it off almost immediately. We both lived in Ikorodu so we started going home together and it was fun. We loved the same things. I laughed at his jokes because he was the funny one. We would spend time chatting and getting to know each other and before I knew it, I started having feelings for him.
It was scary because I had just gotten out of a relationship that I haven’t come to terms with why it had to end and was here falling for a new person. Truth is, you would fall for him if you met him also. He was fun, witty, caring and smart. It was the smartness for me; smartness is my own mumu button.
Everything happened so fast, it didn’t seem that way to me back then but now it does. We came up with a 10-dates plan. So we were supposed to go on 10 dates and then figure out if we liked each other enough to start a relationship. Truth is we started dating on our third or fourth date, I don’t really remember but it was a chicken and chips date( this is also my mumu button if you want to kidnap me, just promise me loads of fries and ketchup).
Here is a side comment that you need to know. Under normal circumstances, was I supposed to be in a relationship because I had just gotten out of one and I was at a very low point mentally. Oh yeah, my mental health is a whole book on its own but that’s not why I’m telling you about this.
Because he was a fantastic person and also a man who is in touch with his feelings, he had many women around him and this would pose to be an issue for us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a beautiful woman, and I’ve got men in my life too, but each person knows their place, I made it a habit to put each person in their place but he didn’t and I knew this was going to affect our relationship but I got into it anyways.
So, this was actually a trying time for me, I had just gotten my first entry-level job and I was commuting between Yaba and Ikorodu every day, I wasn’t getting much sleep. Then I realised that I would have to quit my job if I couldn’t find somewhere closer to stay with since I would be spending almost 80% of my salary on transport. As the good lord would have it, Black was also trying to get a place and leave his parent’s house at the same time. And he would literally cut off his head if it would make me happy, so he asked me to move in with him.
So, here’s the thing, I knew in my head that it was too fast and that he had some expectations of me that even though I had explained to him how I felt about them, he wasn’t seeing my point as he was a firm believer in how love could change anything. Also, moving in with him would solve a huge problem for me at the moment, and it would be a very easy way to get to know each other more, so I made a plan to move in with him and figure out the rest in a few months.
Forgive me for not telling this story in concise chronological order. When we started dating, he gave me full access to his phone so I can act as a check on his flirting and all and I also gave him access, well I have no problem with that since I’ve got nothing to hide.
After we moved in together, the fights began, well they started as little misunderstandings and we believed they were things we could deal with. We were two people who needed to get to know each other and learn how to live with each other.
I hope you understand how hard this is and that I’m doing all I can to not apportion blames because, despite all that happened between us, I still want to believe that there would be room for us to be friends or maybe this is just wishful thinking.
Remember how I have access to his phone? Our first issue was that he asked a girl to ‘spam him with nudes.’ Apparently he was joking about it. I got angry and expressed how I felt and then somehow he made me feel bad about that because I was actually not really sending him nudes even though it’s something he likes, but to be sincere, sending nudes and flirting weren’t really my thing.
Michael, If I decide to talk about all of the nights I cried myself to sleep in the 7months of us being together, I’m sure it would make for a mini-series on Netflix. The thing is, Black was controlling and manipulative in a very subtle way, you wouldn’t even know that it was happening until you have some sort of awakening.
I believe that I shouldn’t leave out the romance in the relationship, the first time we had sex was amazing and Black would always remind me of it after our sex life went down the drain. Truth is, I had already pegged myself as part of the percentage of women who would never have an orgasm but I did the first time we had sex. He was an amazing lover who put all of my needs before his own to a fault. I wasn’t ever a sexual person in the real sense of it, I always thought sex was just there and Black, on the other hand, was very sexual and as you already guessed, this became a big problem for us.
There are so many things that happen and we peg as very little things or that we could just apologise to each other and it would be fine when in reality these ‘flimsy’ things will end up being bigger problems. Black was a firm believer in communication but he didn’t always like hearing the truth about himself because even though he keeps saying he doesn’t think so, he believes he is perfect and I know this because I lived with him.
A defining moment I can think of right now was when I went through his chat and saw how over the course of two weeks (we were not staying together then. I traveled), he was telling his ex how much he missed her and doing lots of video calls and all with her. When I confronted him about this, he sat down with a look in his eyes (this look is always a look of ‘what’s the big deal?’) and said ‘I faltered’. I was furious, I felt my heart shatter and the funniest part was that I had to apologise to him in the end. There were many moments like this actually where I would be the wronged party and I would be made to feel terrible for voicing out, I was stifled.
At a point, I also became the monster I was fighting and believe me, it was hard to stop giving him the same pills he was giving me. The first time I broke up with him, I did it because I was tired, I was going through a lot and the relationship was a lot to handle. We got back together and tried to work on it, four different times. I mean, we broke up more than four times (kept breaking up and kept coming back together. There was a time he did the breaking up) before I finally decided I could no longer continue the fifth time.
About our sex life, it went down to a zero, I take full responsibility for this actually. When faced with how much sexual energy Black had, I got scared and it reminded me of a trauma back in school that I never dealt with. The right thing to have done at the moment was talking to him about it but I couldn’t, it was going to be my own way of letting my assailants win over my sex life. Well, they did because I actually lost all interest in sex and everything associated with it.
It was very hard living with Black and watching him suffer sexually, each day I tried to find a way to make it better but I just couldn’t. Sex had become the ‘forbidden fruit’ for me. Even though he put up a front that it was fine that I was feeling that way, I knew deep inside me that it was killing him and I didn’t want him to keep suffering for me.
I’d like to point out that Black was a good person to me if we decide to ignore every other thing. He would cook for me. Make me breakfast in bed. He supported me and stayed with me through all of my phases and he always believed in me even when I didn’t. He was my biggest fan. But, he was an insecure person who wanted to be the centre of my world and that of every single person he knows and he has some traits that are toxic, I tried telling him this but it ended in premium tears.
To cut the long story short, I loved him and I believe that he loves me too (except he is a pretentious SOB), but a lot of things weren’t working for us but somehow he was unwilling to see this, Black believed that loving each other would solve all of our problems. I still don’t understand how he didn’t see that we were both becoming shadows of our usual selves.
A month and some days out of the relationship, it’s taking all of my strength not to go back. I have to make a conscious effort and verbal affirmation to choose my mental health and happiness each morning. I’m reaching out to friends and making new friends in an effort to get my life back together because the past seven months was just the two of us.
NOTE. There is a Comments section below. Please drop your comments there. What you learnt. What you feel. What you want the writer to know. Drop them here, not WhatsApp.
I want to share stories about love and relationships on this space for the rest of the month. It does not have to be that it ended in tears. It could be that you guys are still together or it could that it was simply an entanglement. So, I want to listen to you. Let’s peel the formalities. Send me a DM. +234 704 714 7081. Pepe will greet you at the door. Stay beautiful.