Looking Into The Past

How am I even going to come here and lie to you all that it did not happen again, that the inevitable did not happen once again? How do these things happen? How do you go for an event and leave your heart behind? And then a black lady picks it up, sees all the bruises and cracks and still keeps it. When eventually, you get home, step into your col bath and then you remember what you have lost, you want to cry because it is too late, because there is no way you are ever going to be able to retrieve your heart again, because you would not have been concerned if the heart was a good and beautiful one but you know your own heart; you know it is broken and cracked in a million places. And you are scared of what will happen if this black girl picks up your heart, knowing you have a name and she decides to make a name for herself with your heart. You will just die. You will just die.

I never stopped counting the stars, just as I never stopped loving you. -Anna Dhanani

How do people stop loving? Do people really stop loving? Is there ever a day when someone whom you once loved will stop to mean what they used to mean to you? Of course the names can change. Perhaps you used to call them the Crown of your wealth before things fell apart. Now that the sun has gone to set and there is darkness all over you heart, you rename them and remove the love emoji that used to be beside their name. What does that change? Has that removed the love emoji in your heart? Has anything significant happened, really? Come on, you are going to have to be honest with yourself.

So, as always, it ends in tears. It ends with everyone going their different places. It ends with you not calling her as frequent as before, not sending her love texts. It ends with you going to Sports complex to pray but you end up shedding tears. It ends with you writing sad poems and earning s name for yourself in that field. It ends with you cringing at the mention of her name, at the mention of the word ‘love’. It ends with you running away from yourself, with you sharing heartbreak stories with your roommates. It ends with your heart being in the hands of another.

“…unrequited love does not die; it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.”

― Elle Newmark, The Book of Unholy Mischief

Time answers all things and with time, the reality of her love begins to fade into oblivion. The sun begins to rise and the darkness disappears in a bliss. You do not exactly know when it happened but you remember that you stopped thinking about her. You stopped seeing her in your dreams. You stopped writing poems specifically for her. You stopped calling her and you avoided her calls whenever she called. You both never talked about it. She left a chasm in your heart and took her leave. She did it and left you a wreck. You did not recover from it. You will not recover from it. You never stopped loving her.

I never stopped counting the stars, just as I never stopped loving you. -Anna Dhanani

Because the heart is a fragile place made of thin glass and no one should walk on it with heels, you maintain flats. You do not get close to anyone for a whole year. You were healing, at least you thought so. No one was in the radar for a whole year. And then a year passed and because the heart is constant search for a companion, you see a flower hanging by and you go for it. The joy of having a flower is that you get to have your own garden. And this is your plan until the rain comes and before you know it, there are weeds in your garden.

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

Two years after, when your heart is drawing towards someone else, she resurfaces like a ghost, in the most unlikely of ways. And as much as you would love to say you have healed, you realized that you have not healed, that it is not easy to share two years with someone and claim you have been cured of their charm after two years. It is the height of impossibilities, not someone you read Greek fables with, not someone you read love poems with, not someone you wrote love poems for, not someone you loved and loved you back, even though they never voiced it.

You see her that Saturday afternoon and you tremble. You do not know what to do or say. You do not know how but suddenly a picture of a future with her flashes across your heart one again. It is one of the most beautiful things you ever saw and really, you do not know how to unsee it. She smiles in a beautiful way and gives you a hug. The touch of her skin, of her body rubbing your body in such rhythmic pattern, the feel, the vibe, the life, the very soul of it; it shreds you apart and you are nothing but a trembling fish on the sea shore.

“Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?”

― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

You talk after. And you discuss many things, like what happened, like if there was ever a chance, like if there is still a chance, like if the distance can be breached. You do not know what to say. You do not know how to tell her you love somebody else, that you want to love somebody else, that you still love her, that you do not know how to stop, that she has a rope tied to your heart and you do not know how to untie it, that you want to let go but the more you try, the harder it becomes, that she is the reason you started writing sad poems, the reason you fell in the depression countless times, the reason love became fragile to you, the reason you cried into a basket. You want to tell her that you still love her but there is no way you can go back to the one who hurt you. The problem is not whether they did it intentionally or not; it is not a question of whether they will do it again or not; it is a question of the heart, of fear, of trust. It is a question of whether you will ever stop being fearful beside them, of whether you will ever trust them not to leave again, of whether your heart will ever forgive you for going back to the one who hurt you in the past.

I never stopped counting the stars, just as I never stopped loving you. -Anna Dhanani

There are people you will have to stay away from to stop loving, to heal from. There are times when love is not enough, when it can never be enough. There are times when you have to let go, you want to let go but you do not know how to. In such times, please, what do you do?

And then, I knew, our love was like a sunset, beautiful, even if it wasn’t meant to last forever. -F.E. Marie

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9 thoughts on “Looking Into The Past

  1. “The walls still scream of you” – Olagoke Favour

    There’s a way you spend so much time with someone that the very walls have your memories entrenched in them. No, not only because you might have written on the walls or adorned it with some sort of graffiti. You still hear their laughter long after they are gone. You can feel it in the walls. It’s real and alive. You hear the tears too. You can still feel the sorrow that you were privileged to be let in on sometimes. You begin to relive their pain long after they are gone. You understand it now. The walls remind you of it all. It is scary. You can’t ever forget.

    1. “…unrequited love does not die; it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.”
      This explains unrequited love in is realest form. This love thing!!!!!!!!!.

      BTW Michael inioluwa you write with emotions and every of your blogpost pierces through your readers mind. You’re a great writer!!!

  2. Damn! You’re good at what you do. I know I really don’t have to resound that to you over and over again.

    There’s a way you write that somehow cuts across every man that lived, is living and would still live.
    There’s a way you take a sneak peek into the mind of your readers and even when someone tries to fight it, you take a sneak peek into the heart of heart. That place of personal evaluation that your mind tells you; ‘If you like, you can fight it all day but you know it’s the truth’.

    Amazingly, even if it doesn’t speak to me directly, there’s a way I find myself in the scene as an onlooker.

    Keep being the best for us your readers!

  3. Michael Inioluwa Oladele,
    Reading him is rhythm on its own!

    Thank you for the feel of these words, they’re beautiful, blunt, bold, blissful.

    Thank you for writing.
    Thank you

  4. Michael!

    I don’t know how you do it but you do.
    I want to scream right now because you went to the abandoned room, picked up the book that gathered dust on the shelf, opened the page with book tag and then you said to me, start writing, I’ll put to words how you felt.

    You are a brilliant writer! A brilliant one!

  5. 😔😭 how I wish it was something that I could not relate to and unfortunately, I am in this space right now seriously wondering if loving again is the wisest thing to do at the moment considering it’s with a new person, under an entirely new circumstance. Michael, you’re indeed a great, beautiful writer and someday, I hope I can articulate my thoughts as much as this.

  6. I can relate to every bit of this! Did you just write about me??😩😁
    Thumbs up, you’re good at what you do👍

  7. Why does it feel familiar?
    Plus this, “And then, I knew, our love was like a sunset, beautiful, even if it wasn’t meant to last forever.” -F.E. Marie

    You are too good, Inioluwa.

  8. This is a beautiful piece Ini!! I love the exerts in between. So I think one just have to learn how to move on. It’ll take time especially if you feel it isn’t necessary going back into the past. They might be back doesn’t mean you have go back to them as its all in the past. You continue with your previous activities and move on forward. You might not fully stop loving them but you can learn not to dwell on the feelings because there are better prospects and better things ahead!

    Well done.

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