A conversation between my brain and my heart.
I dunno. Maybe because all my jokes come from there. Most of my jokes.
And you don’t want to have a wife who won’t understand your jokes, right?
Yes. And I watch an episode of Blackish almost every day.
Yeah, I know. I must have watched every single episode at least twenty times.
That’s pretty addictive don’t you think?
Er, not exactly. I can live without it. If I am not with my laptop, I can survive without it. But anytime I need to relax and I open my laptop to pick a movie, I end up picking Blackish. Over and over again. And it’s just twenty minutes, you know.
They’ve done something to you.
What book would you make her read?
Err… Can I say books?
Shoot. Not more than three.
Wow, three is not enough but okay. I’ll make her read The English Patient, The Book Thief and Measuring Time.
Why those three?
I guess because there is a lot of me in those books. There is a lot of sadness in those books. And a lot of art.
A lot of sadness…
Yeah, a lot. The three have themes of war.
A lot of sadness…
Happiness is a burden.
What if she doesn’t like it?
Err… She is going to. At least she is going on like two out of the three.
Which would you be okay with if she doesn’t understand?
I would be okay if she doesn’t understand The Book Thief. But the English Patient and Measuring Time? She has to love those two. Deeply. Madly.
I see you are really aggressive about this.
*Laughs” I am.
Err…just one song?
Aww, man! Let’s do artiste instead.
Okay. Which artiste?
Wow. Nothing Christian?
She would be listening to almost all my Christian favorites already so..
She is magic. Her voice. Her poetry. Her own life. Do you know she was once depressed, tried committing suicide?
I knew about the depression. Didn’t know about the suicide attempts. Did she succeed?
*Laughs * Obviously not.
So your wife has to listen to Sia?
I’ll make her. She’ll love it. My wife will be intellectual and since Sia writes poetry plus magic, there is nothing not to like.
What if she still doesn’t like Sia even after that?
Any other thing on music?
I like the art in Of Men and Monsters.
Writer or Poet?
Let’s do the poet first. We’ll come to the writer, later.
Errrr… Rupi Kaur? Lang Leav? I don’t know. There are a bunch of them.
Just pick one.
Okay. Kaur. Rupi Kaur.
Because she writes like me. Or I write like her rather.
Nothing African, classic, like Achebe or Soyinka?
Eww… I wouldn’t want to subject my wife to much distress. Would you?
Never. Never. I’ll go with Plath though.
That depressed lady?
Well, she wrote well.
Which writer then?
Fiction or Nonfiction?
Hmm… That’s a tough one. Well, she has to like Chimamanda.
That means you are going to marry a feminist?
Were you thinking I was going to marry a misogynist?
Well, there is a fence.
Not for me. I’ll marry someone who believes in what I believe; equality.
And she has to like Chimamanda?
Yeah. Maybe not all about her personality and all. But then, can’t deny Adichie’s intelligence.
The woman is loaded.
Exactly. She has to like Chimamanda. Or say, JK Rowling.
Just one, remember?
So for nonfiction?
Nonfiction? Easy. Bikozulu.
Yeah. He is the boss when it comes to creative nonfiction. He draws tears from my eyes.
And for someone to be able to draw tears from those desert eyes of yours…
Exactly. So should has to like Bikozulu.
Can I add one more name?
You are obsessed.
You would be if you were in my shoes. Helen is extraordinary.
So which friend will she have to like?
Apart from you guys and Israel, Tosin, Samuel, EF and the likes?.
Apart from us. Which friend? Female preferably.
Wow. That’s a tough one.
Yeah. Which female friend does she have to like?
Well, not exactly like but she has to know Drop.
Wait a minute, are you saying Drop can’t be your wife then?
Stop being funny. Let’s say she isn’t.
OK OK. Why Drop?
I don’t know…because she understands me in an awkward way?
Awkward way? What does that even mean?
I don’t know really. But she has to know Drop.
She has to know Drop.
She has to know Drop.
Which preacher does she have to like?
So fast? No need to think about that one?
I listen to Selman almost every day of my life. If she doesn’t like him, she will get tired of me listening to him always. So she will like him.
Which church will you guys attend?
Dunno. We will cross that bridge when we get there.
Which food will she have to know how to cook?
Well, I’m not that picky but my best food if Yam and Fried pepper. I guess she will have to know how to do that.
Every girl knows how to do that…
Well, I guess I’m lucky then. A lot of fish in the net.
Which weird behavior will she have to put up with?
Weird behavior? Do I have weird behaviors?
Don’t let me expose you one.
Laughs Really, nothing is coming to my head. I sleep a lot? I move on the bed (not walk around) when I sleep and I don’t understand species who stay still while sleeping?
I am hardly surprised because, at every point in time, I am thinking of infinite possibilities. I think like computer chess.
What do you spend your money on?
Aside from books?
More books. You can never have enough of those beauties.
Which body part will be your favorite?
I don’t know. You are the one asking the questions.
Why would you like to spend your honeymoon?
Oh, so we are having a honeymoon?
Of course, you are! You want to marry on Saturday, Thanksgiving on Sunday and then go to work on Monday? Man!
Okay Okay. Our honeymoon…
Where will it be?
I’ll let her choose that. I don’t have any specific location in mind.
What if she wants you to pick?
Simple: “There are people, she once wrote, who think that we cannot rule ourselves because the few times we tried, we failed, as if all the others who rule themselves today got it right the first time. It is like telling a crawling baby who tries to walk, and then falls back on his buttocks, to stay there. As if the adults walking past him did not all crawl, once.” Purple Hibiscus, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
That’s a deep one.
Will you guys have a routine? Like a weekly thing or a nightly thing?
I don’t know but once in a while I will sit her down and while Enya is playing softly, I will read her beautiful poems and short stories written only for her ears.
That’s very romantic.
Thank you for your openness Michael
Thank you too.
Written on February 20, 2019. 2:10 pm. Kuta, Shiroro, Niger state.